I can’t be whole with only half.

These two are my everything.

My soul.

My purpose.

My happiness.

My heart.

My life.

But without both, I cannot be whole.

They always ask, “Mom, who’s your favorite?” The oldest will say the youngest, and the youngest always agrees. They even made me take a lie detector test once, which was clearly broken, because my oldest (who looks identical to me) walked away believing he was adopted! But no mom could ever answer that question. Not because she doesn’t want to reveal who wins the top spot in her heart, but it’s because there is no right answer. A mother’s heart cannot be whole without all of her children, as they each fill a different place in our hearts. But no child believes this until they have kids of their own. (Now, to be fair, a mother’s preference certainly changes day to day, especially as teenagers LOL)

The oldest is a mother’s first love, the first child she bears. You have no idea what is coming until the doctors place the fragile being in your arms, then it hits you! I still don’t know what it was, but it took my breathe. I made this. How is it already so precious and cute? He has my nose. The definition of unconditional love comes to life, right there in your arms. You hold him and literally feel your heart grow two sizes too big (just like they show you in the Grinch cartoon). I never knew there was this kind of love yet to feel. It was everything.

Then the second comes along. How could I possibly love more? My heart is already two sizes too big, what could be left? Now that you know what that love feels like, you don’t know if it’s possible to make any more room for a love that big again…until the doctors place the fragile being in your arms, again. Then it hits you, again! My breathe, gone, again. I held him and felt my heart grow its second half. How was that possible? I didn’t know I could feel a love like this twice. It was everything, again.

As the 3 of us figured out life together, they each gave me something different. Their humor, their kindness, their laughter, their tantrums, their wisdom, their creativity, the pure entertainment in every day. They each hit all of the categories, but deliver so very differently. I can’t live without either. I need both to be whole.

I always listen to music when I paint, my selection based on the mood of whatever I’m creating. For this, Cat Stevens as I drew their faces (charcoal), trying to capture what I love in their little faces and the eyes that captured my heart, sitting in the hospital bed. Nirvana to paint the background (acrylic), depicting the noise of growing up. If you look closely you’ll see “why” chalked behind the youngest (because of his endless inquisitive nature), and you’ll see “no” chalked behind the oldest (because teenagers).

Mi Bambini. 


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